Mikel Arteta’s side are the slow, meticulous team football fans are not used to, but they will probably win the title in May
If you listen carefully, you’ll hear the click-clack, the gentle humming, the whirring of the machine, the beeping sounds, the fingers crunching the numbers, as Mikel Arteta’s data-driven Arsenal continue their slow, unsteady grind towards the Premier League title.
Or maybe you’ll hear nothing of the sort. Maybe Arsenal are not a robot team. Like Cristiano Ronaldo working harder than everybody else, Pep Guardiola buying his way to the title, Sir Alex Ferguson putting pressure on referees to get decisions in Fergie time, Sydney Sweeney’s cleavage killing woke, perhaps there’s no such thing.
Maybe people simply don’t like to see big football clubs with expensive squads struggling their way toward the title. None of that try, try, try again nonsense. None of the clichéd claptrap that reminds you of a business lecture, an alumnus coming to give a speech at a graduation. You can try and fail but don’t quit; just keep trying. I failed at nine different businesses before I became successful.
Perhaps football fans don’t want to hear that Arsenal tried three times to win the league and succeeded in their fourth time of asking. They really just want to be blown away. They want viral football content drawing the oohs and aahs on social media. The golazo. Kevin de Bryune doing that little trick where he seemed to slow time before making an inch-perfect pass. Ronaldo scoring 31 league goals to lead Manchester United to the title. Guardiola’s side winning the league with 100 points. Jamie Vardy bearing down on a goalkeeper on turbo boost.
This Arsenal team are none of that. They are a slow, meticulous team who squeeze the life out of opponents. They are the team of routines, the set-pieces, the brave centre-backs, Bukayo Saka hanging out on the right wing looking like he could suddenly put on a flat cap and disappear into the stands.
Arsenal have no star player, it has been said. Declan Rice is one of the best midfielders in the world, but a video of a lad from London winning the ball in midfield doesn’t set the pulses racing. It’s not quintessential viral content.
The Gunners are not blasting their way to the title. They are inching forward in slow, mechanical fashion. They are the team who don’t release the handbrake and finish off rivals at their mercy. They are 90 minutes of boring non-football until a last-minute goal from Kai Havertz rubberstamps their spot in the Carabao Cup final.
They are the team others doubt, try to defy, deride, call corner-kick merchants. Here look, I will show you that you are not good enough to win this. Watch Manchester United beat you in front of your own fans at the Emirates. Watch Leeds try to win. Watch Chelsea try to stop you.
Even Aston Villa are in the title race if you are the one on top. Guardiola’s side are out of form and six points off the pace but watch fans back them to clinch the title at the last minute. Arsenal are a team of bottlers.
But still Arteta’s side continue. Of course it needs to be said that there’s no such thing as bottlers. It’s all made up, a retrofitting, backward analysis. You become bottlers only when you don’t win.
To make clear: Arsenal will probably win the league. They are the best team in England. The league table proves that. Arguments about style and substance will continue, but this creaking robot machine will probably reach its destination in May.
